


Unforgivable?

by river_chan



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Coma, Grief/Mourning, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Sad, They are kinda........ yeah same, ummmmmm, very much sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2020-12-10
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:33:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27996825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/river_chan/pseuds/river_chan
Summary: Kaname's sobbing probably resounded through the entire hospital, he didn‘t try to keep silent. So when the door open he simply assumed it was a nurse that wanted to check on him.But instead, he was met with something he would have never expected.
Relationships: HiMERU/Kazehaya Tatsumi, Kazehaya Tatsumi/OG Himeru, Kazehaya Tatsumi/Tojou Kaname
Kudos: 23





	Unforgivable?

**Author's Note:**

> Please Akira feed us more Reimei lore I have no idea what‘s going on so this fic is based on a few headcanons that will probably age horribly when he finally know more shit about ogmeru and shit
> 
> Anyways sad stuff here you go

Another long and exhausting day finally came to an end, and Crazy:B parted ways. Part of HiMERU was glad, looking forward to that peaceful silence that‘s awaiting him, but the other part of him wanted to stay with his unit mates, dreading the inevitable quietness.

Not really because he‘s grown to like hanging out with them (although he has gotten closer to them, but he‘d never admit it). It‘s because when he’s with them, they drown out the thoughts within HiMERU that make him ache so much. But within the silence of the stale and dull hospital room where he spends most of the time, he finds himself getting consumed by the agony.

And the hatred.

The hatred for this certain man that made their lives the way they are.

“Kazehaya Tatsumi...“ he absentmindedly mumbled that person‘s name, not even realizing he did so. He also didn‘t notice the people‘s heads turning around in confusion to the man that’s speaking to himself, walking through the hospital hallways.

Kazehaya Tatsumi. He‘s seen as a saint by everyone, probably still including the person that HiMERU - no, Kaname - was visiting. But no matter what, that man can‘t possibly atone for his sins.

Kaname is aware that Tatsumi never wanted any of this to happen. He had good intensions, but... He inadvertently shattered someone‘s life. Actually, the entire school was in shambles after Tatsumi‘s revolution, but...

Kaname bit his lip, hoping that this sensation would ground him in reality again, instead of getting lost in his thoughts now that he arrived at his destination. A door with a name plate saying “Toujou Himeru“ next to it. Even without it, he knew exactly this was the right room, he‘s went this way countless times now.

He took a deep breath, trying his best to forget about all those negative things on his mind, all his grief, all his anger, everything. Now is a time where he has to focus on the person in the room only - his beloved twin brother.

He opened the door. “Hello there, Himeru! I‘m back,“ Kaname said, trying to pull off a happy voice, but the bitterness was this audible.

And of course, there was no answer. He would‘ve been absolutely riveted on the spot if there was, but he‘d also be so incredibly happy. His brother had been in a coma for months now, and even though he‘s not in critical condition anymore, he doesn‘t show signs of waking up anytime soon.

But even though the room was silent, part of Kaname felt a reply. There was something light and warm on his heart, as if his brother‘s soul had greeted him back. He‘s not a spiritual person at all (unlike a certain individual), but the thought of that made him feel the slightest bit better. It helps him coping with the fact that his brother is... gone.

Not gone forever, he prays- no, he hopes. But, either way, he‘s not there.

But even if Himeru isn‘t conscious, Kaname still wants to visit him, be with him, spend time with him. He feels incomplete without his other half and also... he‘d feel horrible if he just left this brother alone in the hospital.

Kaname sat down on the chair next to the hospital bed where is brother lied. His arms rested by his sides, as he lay there, seemingly just sleeping. But he wasn‘t sleeping. And yet, he looked so calm, his chest rising and falling so nice and slow, his lips just slightly parted. Kaname hadn‘t seen his brother‘s bright golden eyes for ages now. They were always so full of life, but now... They are perpetually closed.

“Today... was pretty busy, you know?“ Kaname started. He always told Himeru about his day, as he had nothing better to do. “The people in my unit are still... overwhelming to say the least. Well, it‘s really just Amagi, if I‘m honest. Oukawa and Shiina are really fine. I‘m certain you‘d get along with them perfectly, you always had this kind of personality that would probably fit so well in this kind of group. Meanwhile, I really don‘t...“

Kaname let a soft sigh escape his lips before he took Himeru‘s hand in his. He smiled. It was just as warm as always. Himeru always had really warm hands, while Kaname‘s were rather cold, so as young children, they often held hands.

Those sweet memories bitterly stab him like a dagger. Just thinking about these great times when they were kids, when they were together. And now, he‘s isn‘t there anymore...

Kaname grunted at himself, trying to cut off his train of thoughts. He needed to be positive right now, next to his brother. Through tears, he continued, “it‘s gonna be so great once you wake up. I was worried that I had ended your idol carrier back when I first joined Crazy:B, but as of now, we‘re doing really great! And I‘m sure you‘re gonna love it there. You‘ll fit in better than I do, and they‘ll love you, I promise...“

Oh god now he‘s actually crying. He tried to stop himself, but just saying these words hurt. “Ah, I-I‘m sorry, Himeru... I-I shouldn‘t be crying right now, I just-“

This is normally where one expects comforting words from the other person, but... Of course, he didn‘t receive any. Which only worsened his pain, realizing his brother isn‘t there to comfort him.

He‘ll never forget that day, after the aftermath of the revolution... Himeru had locked himself in his room, and while Kaname was worried, he figured he should give his brother the space he needed. But after he hadn‘t come down to eat dinner, Kaname knew he had to talk to him.

He forced his way into his brother‘s room, and couldn‘t believe what he found there. His twin brother, who‘s always been such a cheerful, sparkly and happy person, was laying on the ground, motionless. An half-empty bottle of pills next to him, as well as a tear-stained note.

Luckily, Himeru‘s life could be saved, but the overdose caused him to be in a coma and the doctors are unsure when he‘ll wake up.

Now Kaname wasn‘t just crying, he was sobbing hard remembering all of this. “And it’s all just because of that damned Kazehaya Tatsumi! He made you do this to you!“ he screamed, squeezing his brother‘s hand tightly.

He swallowed, and then, with a quieter, but still wretched tone. “And I... I promised I would always protect you, but... But I didn‘t... I let this happen to you... I‘m just as bad as him, aren‘t I?“

Oh, how he wishes for his brother to just wake up. To wake up, and tell him that everything‘s alright. But he won‘t. He knows he won‘t.

And so he sat there, sobbing pathetically, bawling his eyes out, screaming “Please Himeru, PLEASE wake up! Please, I need you! Please wake up already! I miss you so much!“

His ugly sobbing probably resounded through the entire hospital, he didn‘t try to keep silent. He hadn‘t actually allowed him to cry like that before, not right next to his brother, but right now, he doesn‘t care.

He heard the door open and simply assumed it was a concerned nurse that wanted to check on him, so he didn‘t even turn around to look, he didn‘t care about that damned nurse, he wants his brother back!

But instead, he was met with something he would have never expected.

“Kaname-san...“

That voice! Kaname spun his head around, and there he was. Kazehaya Tatsumi.

It took Kaname a moment to find his voice, “...y-you...!“

Tatsumi stood there, his body stiff, and his face ridden with silent tears. He remained silent as he searching for the right words, his gaze shifting between the two twins.

“I... I know I have no right to be here, but I feel obligated to. And I... I‘m sorry, but I heard you weep and couldn‘t help but want to comfort you...“

Kaname swallowed, furrowing his eyes at the other man. “That‘s... right. You have no right to be here.“

“I know... I know...“ and yet, Tatsumi approached Kaname, took a chair from the corner and sat down right next to him.

“Words cannot describe the regret, the guilt, the pain I feel knowing it‘s my fault your brother - and my closest friend - is like this. I know you‘ll never forgive me, and I don‘t forgive myself either, but...“

“Shut up! Just shut up!!“ Kaname screamed through tears, not wanting to hear any more of this. His heart is already overwhelmed by everything, and now the sinful saint he hates so much speaking to him in... this way.

Tatsumi instantly closed his mouth, slightly nodding with his gaze on his lap. Kaname noticed a painful frown forming on his face before Tatsumi suddenly leaned forward to embrace the blue-haired idol.

His touch actually felt holy. His hug was so warm, filled with so many emotions and yet such serenity. Kaname heard his heart beat as his chest leaned against his chest. It was... calming.

“I‘m so sorry, Kaname-san, I‘m so, so unbelievably sorry...“ was gently whispered in his ear, and that was the moment Kaname remembered who he‘s getting comforted by. The root of all of this. This bastard.

The hatred made Kaname push him away immediately upon realizing, with an unreadable expression on his face.

“Oh, I‘m... I‘m sorry, I just thought... I‘m sorry.“

“No, actually-“ Kaname started speaking without thinking, quickly cutting himself off when he realized it.

His mint hair fell into Tatsumi‘s face as he tilted his head, along with a confused expression. “Actually what?“

Shutting his eyes, he eventually admitted, “I-I... It felt good...“ despite his entire brain screaming at him for saying that. How can he enjoy a hug from this bastard, who destroyed his and his brother’s lives!

And yet, his hug makes him feel so warm, and safe... For some reason, his emotions took a hold of him, he‘s never been the type of person so say things without thinking, but now here he is.

And Tatsumi could clearly tell what kind of internal conflict Kaname was in. “Listen, Kaname-san, I know I will never be forgiven, and I don‘t expect to be. I know it‘s all just my fault-“

“No!“ something inside of Kaname made him interrupt Tatsumi, though it took him a moment to figure out what exactly. But once he knew, he couldn’t stop himself, he had to tell him, even though... he didn‘t really want to, he still felt compelled.

“Himeru... In his s-suicide letter, he... He said that the last thing he wants is for you to feel guilty. He says it‘s not your fault at all and that... That he doesn‘t want you to feel responsible.“ Even though he had managed to stop sobbing, once he said the s-word, tears streamed down his face like a waterfall.

“Really...?“

That soft quiver on Tatsumi‘s lips, for some reason, he wanted to hit him. Kaname doesn‘t want Tatsumi to get the idea that what he did was in any way forgivable.

And yet, it only felt right to tell him what Himeru wrote in that letter. It‘s what his brother wanted, right? So it didn‘t sit right with him, to hear Tatsumi blame himself.

Ugh, but just remembering that day stings. After discovering his brother unconscious and calling an ambulance, Kaname refused to read the note that was left for him.

For some reason, it felt wrong to read it. These were supposed to be his final words, right? But, no, they won‘t be! He won‘t let them be his last words! He‘ll live!

That‘s what Kaname had told himself. It wasn’t until his brother‘s condition was stable and he had somewhat coped with the situation that he was able to read it.

It was lengthy, and painful, as he said goodbye to everyone. His brother, his family, and especially, Tatsumi. He clearly held not the slightest grudge against him, as he repeated over and over again that he‘s sorry he had to do this to Tatsumi, that he doesn‘t want him to feel responsible, that it‘s not his fault, and that he‘ll always love him.

Although it went against what Kaname thought, he felt like he had to stop Tatsumi from saying what his Himeru prayed he wouldn‘t say. After all, he doesn‘t want to make his brother sad...

Even though he didn‘t believe it himself at all... Maybe... I mean... Himeru made it clear that, in his opinion, it wasn‘t Tatsumi‘s fault. Maybe, Kaname should also try to accept that... If it‘s what his brother would have wanted...?

But he can‘t possibly just forgive him, no way in hell!

“Kaname-san?“ Tatsumi‘s voice called him back to reality. “Are you feeling alright?“

“Y-Yeah, I just...“ Kaname continued in a kind of agitated tone of voice, “Listen, Himeru really never held a grudge against you, at all. Even when I was cursing you, he still defended you, even though his life was in shambles. He really loved you, Kazehaya. So do him a favor and don‘t feel responsible, even if you might be. He doesn‘t want you to.“

Tatsumi let his tears fall down his cheeks, as he let it sink in. Himeru still loved him, after what he‘s done to him...?

“...T-Thank you for telling me, Kaname-san...“

While his crying had remained silent the whole time, now Tatsumi started sobbing, and loudly. Instinctively, he clung onto Kaname and he wept.

Kaname also cried, allowing himself to hug Tatsumi back for just this moment. They both desperately needed comfort right now.

His thoughts about hating the person clinging onto him had blurred away with the overwhelming grief in his heart.

With each other’s chest against theirs, they felt their rapid, shaking breaths. They felt their shoulders grow wet with the other‘s tears. They felt the other‘s grip growing tighter and tighter as they sobbed harder and harder.

But eventually, after what seemed like an eternity, both of them started to slowly calm down when they ran out of tears.

They released each other once both were relatively calm, even though they still shaking slightly.

They hadn‘t spoken a word since they started hugging, but now Tatsumi broke their silence when he said, “you said that Himeru-san doesn‘t hate me... That he doesn‘t think it was all my fault... But you do, right?“

Kaname flinched, not expecting such a direct question, and completely clueless how he should answer to that. He didn‘t even know the answer himself...

He squeezed his brother‘s hand in search for some kind of answer. Honestly, if he was asked earlier today, Kaname would have said that he loathes him without even having to think about it... But...

“S-Sorry, what a incredibly inconsiderate question to ask...“ Tatsumi apologized, taken aback by Kaname‘s reaction. “I... I am well aware that it is my fault, I don‘t expect to be forgiven-“

“No!“ Kaname cut him off, clutching his brother’s hand even tighter and closing his eyes. He came to a resolve. “HiMERU doesn‘t want you to feel guilty. HiMERU knows that your intensions were pure, and...“ he opened his eyes to look at Tatsumi, a somehow sincere yet troubled look on his face, “and he loves you.“

Tatsumi‘s mouth was left open, as he sat there, speechless.

Was Kaname talking about his brother there or... Did he fall back into referring to himself in third person? No way, right? But... the way he looked at him when he said that... It made his heart flutter.

But he must‘ve just been talking about his brother, right?

Honestly, not even Kaname himself knew the answer.

Tatsumi‘s hand joined him in holding Himeru‘s hand, as he looked over to the unconscious man, with a graceful, bittersweet smile on his face.

“I pray for you to get well every single day and night. I hope you‘ll come back soon. I love you, Himeru-san,“ he told him, gently.

Kaname‘s mind short circuited when Tatsumi said ‘Himeru-san‘, because for a split second he thought that that ‘I love you‘ was addressed to him, after he had gone by that name for such a long time now.

He quickly realized that, of course, he was talking to his twin brother, feeling really stupid for thinking he was meant in the first place. But when he thought about it for just a little longer- Why was his heart racing right now?

**Author's Note:**

> Because gay, Kaname. Because gay.


End file.
